while i was cleaning my room last saturday.. nakita k0 ung isang n0teb0ok c0natining all of my past entries in our newspaper in our sch0ol and there are s0me na ginawa k0 lang per0 di k0 sinama sa mga entry k0 sa pillars.. anyway, 0ne entry that really caught my attenti0n, is the entry entitled "I AM AN EX" ..
Well, if my brain serves my right, ive written this one because my first love and my first bf as well br0ke up..i think that was 5 years ago but ive written this one last 3 yrs ago [just trying to reminisce the past...] =( and while reading it again, everything went back again.. =( eeerrr... i really hate this feeling..
I am an ex.
I know that it's stupid and silly to sound as if my whole life revolved around being somebody's "ex girlfriend". But i can't help it... That title packs a pretty strong punch. I am now an official member of the "loved and lost" club. And while it's a title i don't exactly want, I have to admit that it does say some things about me.
I am an ex.
I once loved someone who loved me back. But he didn't want to stay... so i had to let him go. I cried. A lot. I spent countless nights wondering what went wrong, muffling my sobs with my pillows so my parents wouldn't suspect that something was amiss. I'd reminisce about our happy times, then break down when i'd realize that he was no longe mine.
I analyzed every single detail of our break up. I wrote long e-mails to my closest friends. I talked endlessly about my situation. I spent my nights in tearful telephone conversations and my days in daydreams where we'd end up in each other's arms again. Sometimes he was still my angel, still my knight in shinning armor who i'd do anything for just to have back. But sometimes, i saw him as the devil incarnate who broke my heart in the worst possible way and who deserved to be horsewhipped at the very least.
I told myself that it was all for the better. That this was the best for the both of us. That this was God's plan. My friends offered similar advice, none of which I hadn't heard before: "It's a sign that you're not meant for each other," "When God closes door, he opens a window," "Someone better is coming for you," "There are so may fish in the sea," But it didn't work. Because deep down, I still believed that he was the one, the only one.
And i couldn't understand how this was all for the better... When everyday seemed more torturous than the last... Not being able to be with him the way I wanted to be, seeing him so unaffected, and dealing with my broken and smashed heart and my bruised ego.
I tried to immerse myself in other activities to forget about him. I went out a lot. I filled my schedule with movie marathons, shopping sprees, and dance maniax. It worked for a while... but then there were time -- times when my mind was cleared of the busy thoughts i tried to occupy it with -- that i would think of him. His memory would sneak up to me on tiptoes, catching me in my most vulnerable moments.
I tried to show the world that i was OK. That i was over him. That it was fine just being friends. I didn't go around with a big "X" on my forehead, nor did i go around with puffy eyes and a tissue box. I tried to live my life as i knew it before i met him. People thought that i was doing great. They heard me laugh and theys aw me smile; i seemed happ, they said; and i told myself that i was. But in the solace of my room, where i tried to organize my thoughtsand sort out y feelings, i had to admit to myself that I wasn't truly happy. Because i was still yearning for someone and my heart still ached for something that could not be.
It's been over 4 years since we broke up, suprisingly, things have been gotten better. A LOT BETTER... Ive changed. Somewhere along the way, i realized that he wasnt the only one out there for me. I also realized that there were valid, powerful reasons why we split up. And ive become stronger, older, wiser. He's cahnged as well.. when i look at him.. sometimes i think that he's the same person.. he still has the same goofy smileand demeanori fell for and i like to believe the rest of him is unchanged as well. But then i take a closer look and I realize that HE HAS CHANGED.. that i dont know him anymore, not really.. not enough to love and care for him as i once did.
I am an ex.
Ive loved and lost. Ive cried tears for the things that were and that could have been. Ive wrestled with intense feelings of love and hate, of jealousy, of frustration. Ive simultaneously taken down and brought up my pride. Ive tried to rebuild my world without the person whom it used to revolve around. Ive tried to save myself from the depths of depression and self-pity and when i couldnt do that, i turned to family and friends for help. I know exactly what i gained, and i know how much i lost. Maybe a friend, but it was worth it.. Maybe someday it will be all clear to me.. Then again, maybe not.
And now that you've read it already, i can say that that life's been great without him.. esp now that i have my h0ney f0r alm0st 4 yrs na din.. maybe everything happens is really w0rth it.
Unforgettable...
Tuesday, May 16,3:26 PM
